Communications or Making a Connection? - Daniel Jurek, M.Min., M.A.

"Let your speech be always gracious and in good taste, and strive to respond properly to all who address you."   Colossians 4:6

John and Diane, like most couples who come into my office for marriage counseling want to learn communication skills. They have been married for 11 years and have four children under the age of eight.

They tell me they just don't seem to be able to get along anymore. "All we do is fight", said John. "I say something - almost anything and Diane interprets it to mean that I'm telling her she's doing something wrong. She get's defensive, I get angry and World War III breaks out."

Diane sees it a little differently. "Whatever I do is never good enough for John. If I clean the house, it's not clean enough. If I get 20 errands run in my day, he wants to know why I didn't get 25 errands done. I don't know if I can do this anymore. We have got to find a better way."

John and Diane know how to communicate all right, though they're not doing it in a healthy or effective way. As a matter of fact, they have gotten so good at communicating poorly that they literally push each other away instead of drawing each other close. They are disconnecting and not communicating to connect.

In order to communicate to connect, John and Diane have to create a safe and sacred space between them. They have to tune out the distractions and tune in to each other. They have to learn to touch each other gently and "invade" each others personal space to create a spousal sacred space.

Good communication is not about what we say, as much as about what we hear. The most important communication skill that I know of is listening. Attentive listening, hearing what the other is saying and meaning leads to intimate connection.

John and Diane have begun to apply these principals as they relate to one another. Along with other skills, strategies and techniques that I have taught them, they are discovering intimacy again - deep sharing that connects them and brings them closer to each other.

Touching Souls - one of my favorite quotes

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.
Mother Teresa

Watching people of courage and faith

"At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter said to him in reply, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus".

The Gospel reading from Matthew's gospel (chapter 14) constantly strikes me as a call for courage and faith. I can only imagine that the others in the boat with Peter were amazed at his courage. At the moment they may have thought it was foolishness and more than a little crazy. Looking back though, it took great courage and great faith to get out of the boat and walk.

When reading this passage over the years, I often focused on Jesus walking on the water. It spoke of His Lordship, His power, His dominion over all of creation.  Years ago, I was meditating on this passage and came to another "life changing" reflection. I'm really not surprised that Jesus was walking on the water - I'm in awe that Peter walked on the water. Wow! Disciples of Christ are called to exercise their faith with great courage. They are called to keep their eyes on Jesus during the storms of life and find they indeed have the strength to get through ... to walk on the water!

I often think of the many people who have witnessed that faith and courage to me on a daily basis. They have stepped out of their boats stricken by sheer desperation in the storms of their lives and just walked toward the Master.

I think of a woman who pregnant with her third child, discovers the baby in her womb will be born with Downs Syndrome and a heart condition. With great faith she has embraced this storm and walks on the water of courage and faith every day to love, nurture and care for this "precious one".  I think of a man, happily married for over 20 years with 5 children under 16 years of age. He comes home from a family activity to discover his beloved bride on the floor of their kitchen unconscious after having a stroke. She is now a shell of the woman he once knew. His storm rages and he cares for his bride and the children they birthed with courage and faith. He loves like no man I know. His children experience it, his wife feels it, we all get the privilege to see it.

I am inspired by the many "Peters" who cross my path on a daily basis. Men, women and children who witness to me the power of exercised faith that overcomes despair.  The power of the gift of courage to face the unimaginable and not retreat into fear. They challenge me, during the storms of my life, to stand up, step out of the boat and walk towards Jesus.

Who has inspired you with this kind of courage and faith? Who has modeled Peter's bold action and walked on the water? I would like to hear your stories. I invite you to share them. Post them. Proclaim them. So that all of us might be inspired to "walk on the water".

And we're off

I attended a three hour workshop yesterday on Branding and Social Media. It was excellent. I saw how blogging and facebook and twitter and google can all fit into my business plan, serve my clients and the larger community. So I'm off and running. 

I hope to post something a few times each week. I hope to engage others in thinking more intentionally about their lives and their relationships. I hope to receive feedback on the many questions I know I'll post and be inspired by the people I encounter along the way. 

So here we go. Get ready world, here I come.